What Am I Waiting For?

When I was younger … much younger, my piano teacher told me to not be a procrastinator. I wish she had said straight out to not be a time-waster. That would have been so much more direct and I think, clear.

The years have flown by and I don’t have mate, offspring, or vacation home to show for it. My life has taken place mostly in my head… in my dreams. 
While it would seem I have lived the life I wanted, the truth is I lived the life I dared. I did not desire mate, offspring and vacation home.
I just wanted to be.

The past couple of years have been an emotional struggle. This year, in particular, has been difficult…miserable, actually.
I feel I am fighting for my life. But the truth is I am fighting for my truth. Until I live my truth I will not be living my life. I have tasted my truth and I liked it. But it seemed presumptuous to expect that joy to last.
And it didn’t.
The pace of life has quickened and I have only just recently become aware of it. This accelerated pace has made me desperate.
I am desperate because I know I am dying.
I am dying because I have not allowed myself to live my most full life.
I am dying because I allowed past experience to be my enemy, rather than my energy.
My experiences should propel me forward but somehow they draw me backward.
I feel tethered and controlled, insignificant and invisible.
But I’m still here and I’m not procrastinating any more.
Where do I begin?
At the beginning.
Where is the beginning?
Where I am.
All I have to do is walk through that door.

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