Here … and Nowhere

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I’ve got that feeling again.

And I’ve had to check myself and remind myself, again and again, that I am not my thoughts.

I am not my thoughts.

I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper into myself. Deeper into the place where I believe I truly live. I used to go there regularly and at will. When I was younger. When I was still a child. Lately I’ve found myself trying to drift away to that place I used to go.

To be a child again is something I never thought I’d wish for but lately it’s all I seem to think about. To live again in a place of infinite possibility and joy (even in sadness). To go where spirit takes me and have a sense of be-ing. I didn’t know what I was feeling then but I remember not wanting to go to sleep at the end of a day because I wanted it to go on and on and on.

That feeling of be-ing.

But I wanted to grow up. I wanted to be a grown-up. That was my mistake. I should never have grown up.

I thought it would be different.

I thought there would be more be-ing.

How was I to know that be-ing would diminish?

Something happened. Maybe nothing happened.

I can’t get back there.

I always end up back here.

Nowhere.

 

 

 

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