If there was a part of me that I did not know existed but could not live without, how would I go on when it is taken?
There is a part of me that exists in the world separate from myself. We are in two worlds that can not come together.
But then there’s this.
I’m only fooling myself. There is no part of me that I don’t know. Fact is, the greater part of who I am is largely unseen. So, what to do now?
The hardest thing about life is having lived long enough to have something I can look back at. That has been a real test and I’ve been failing the test in a low-key way. If I’m honest, I look back and all I see is the life of an “also ran”.
Sure, I’ve had a positive impact some people here and there, and I’ve been impacted by some people, here and there. But, what was the point of it all? I know there must be a point but for the life of me, I can’t figure it out.
Or maybe, I can.
Something I’ve always believed is that we all have a purpose. The problem I have is the idea that my purpose seems to be incredibly small. I feel like a bit player in my own play and whether or not I show up, my show can go on without me.
The need to feel safe has always been a big motivator for me. Safety was supposed to provide me with happiness, prosperity and love. But that which is safe in the world is nothing more than a box and everyone is in it.
It’s stifling and suffocating.
So now I look further back. Further back to my earliest memories. That’s when I was the lead in my play. It was before I understood the words being spoken and the events taking place around me. I existed in the world but everything I understood was just for me.
I was happy for every day because every day brought joyous possibility. But then negativity, anger, jealousy and hate became part of the “possibility” equation. That’s when every day suddenly began with the need to feel safe.
Knowing what I know now, that there is no such thing as safe, I get it.
I must remember what it is to be unafraid. It’s time to throw caution to the wind and run toward my muses. It’s time to remember how to just be.
Because there is only LOVE.